Apple (Jonagold)

Jonagolds!  You are huge.

And crispy.  And applish.

And, did I mention huge?  You are the perfect ferry-snack.

Like backyard apples, but the good kind.

Blood orange

Deceptively orange on the outside...

Suitably bloody on the inside.



Neat!  Except, it tastes just like a regular, bloodless orange.

How disappointing.  Ah well.  More aesthetically pleasing (or freaky) in fruit salads, maybe.

Tangerine

Oh tangerine, what makes you not-an-orange?

Besides being, if possible, more orange than an orange?  You are equally as difficult to peel.

Is it because you are sweeter?  Because of your infinite seeds?

What?

Tastiness:  Sweeter than an orange. Otherwise, exactly like an orange, which is delicious.  So eight.

Ease of Extractability:  See: peel.  See also: seeds.  Five.

Overall nommability:  Forty.

Black Velvet Apricot

Black velvet apricot, hey?

Are you sure you are not just a furry black plum?

Because you look like a furry black plum.  On all sides.

And you taste like a furry black plum.

With maybe a hint of apricot.

Tastiness: The fuzz is, I think, part of the taste, and fuzzy fruit gives me the heebs.  On the other hand, the flesh is delicious - mostly plum with an apricot great-grandsire.  On the other hand, the fuzz.  So, six.

Ease of extraction:  Hold-and-eat, so...easy.  But again with the fuzz.  Maybe if someone peeled it for me.  Plus it sticks to the pit, which I hate.  Five.

Overall nommability: 30

White Nectarine

White nectarine!

You look like a regular nectarine.

You taste like a regular nectarine wearing too much perfume, and coated in sugar.

Also, you are difficult to get off the pit.

Tastiness: 5. I'm a sucker for nectarines, but this was waaaaaaaay less nectariney than it was just sweet.

Ease of extraction: 6. Hold-and-eat, but I hate fruits that don't come cleanly from the pit.

Overall nommability: 30. I will stick to regular nectarines, methinks.

Fuzzy Melon

What is your deal, fuzzy melon?
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Despite the shoddy photo evidence, you are fuzzy.
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But the internet can't decide if you are a fruit or a vegetable, sweet or not sweet.

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You are straight-up a cucumber. How is that hard, internet?

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Tastiness: I guess this depends on how much you like cucumber? I'm sort of coming around to them, so four.

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Extractability: Seven! Just peel and eat!

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Overall nommability: Twenty-eight! That sounds about right for a non-fruit fruit.

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(PS It's a melon so I'm counting it.)

Physalis

What is in that basket? Phalluses? Syphalis? NAY! Those are physalis...es? Physalii? They're gross, at any rate.


But they come in such a cute little basket! And withIN the basket, the fruits themselves come in such a cute little tomatillo wrapper!


Adorablemente, no? So fragile and whimsical. Like fruited moths.

But the physalis is in the nightshade family and DUDE IT TASTES LIKE IT. Every time I ate one I felt sickly. I should have left them out for the wasps. Would have solved that problem.

These little seedy, tomato-esqe beasts were a serious let-down. They tasted like Citrus-Action Lysol. My camera is garbage. Picture a cherry tomato, that is orange.

Tastiness: Zero. If I could sanction giving it a negative number, I would. It was chemically and gave me the queasy uneasies and I tried to eat them for, like, four days, but could never get past the one.

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Ease of extraction: Eight! They were a bit sticky (I tried washing one to see if it was the outer stickiness that was giving me the tangy gut, but no dice) but other than that, you just undress the little bastards and have at them.

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Overall Nommability: Uh...I guess that anything times zero is zero, which makes sense. It doesn't matter how easy it is to extract if the extractables aren't worth extracting. The zero stands.